Miss USA

She had little talent, but scored high on originality. The other contestants were threatened by her long, perfect legs and sought ways to eliminate any chance she had of winning. They rifled through her luggage and discovered Polaroid pictures of her and her boyfriend naked and engaging in sexual acts. They took the photos directly to the judges. Most of the judges were disappointed that she didn’t emulate the wholesome Miss USA image. Others were disappointed that the talent portion of the competition didn’t include the kinds of acts she clearly had a knack for as illustrated in the photos, but kept that disappointment to themselves. The judges pulled her aside and explained that she could continue competing, but that she would not be winning for obvious reasons. She was upset, but understood. In the final competition, during the interview portion, she was asked, “During these stark times of economic downturn, wars, and future uncertainty, what has you scared the most?” To which she replied, first remembering what her coach told her to repeat the question before answering it, “The thing that has me the most scared is green Jell-O. I can’t stand to even look at green Jell-O, it makes me want to cry, I don’t know why. Especially if the green Jell-O has shredded carrots in it. That is the worst! It terrifies me!” She, of course, didn’t win. The pictures were leaked and she became an instant celebrity. She went on to a lucrative career in soft porn as the Near Miss USA and bought a big house in the hills with a pool.