Saturday, April 25, 2009

I Harte Spam Emails, Part 2

The internet is very disappointed with my penis. It’s a relentless assault on the poor guy. I receive at least twenty emails a day about how he could be so much bigger, or performing at a higher level, or even hipper, or drive the ladies more wild. I’m quite pleased with him myself, but it’s hard to ignore the consistent feedback from all the critics. They are brutal in their assessment, but explain that they are just trying to help. I’ve decided to take their advice. How could so many people be wrong? Since the volume of emails I receive is so overwhelming on the subject, I’ve decided that the email with the most thoughtful and inspired subject line probably also offers the best solution. That seems right, doesn’t it? If the subject line is good, the solution must be good. The ones that rhyme don’t appeal to me. “You will be mega cool if you get a bigger tool.” “Give her double portion with your new proportion.” “Women will flow like a tide just to view your biggie pride.” “It will be hard to hide your bulgy male pride.” These immediately get deleted, I’m not impressed. Then there are those that just don’t ring true to my ear. “Add more meat for better taste.” “The power in your pants will be really breath-taking.” “With such a developed huge monster in your pants you can catch a real gold fish.” A real gold fish? Really? These get tossed aside as well. I read others with really strong action verbs like “hoist your lover” and “heave your darling” but I can’t imagine any woman who’s interested in being hoisted or heaved. (If you are though, please leave a comment below.) The winner is still to be decided…

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